i think i cracked it (part II)

well ladies this ones for us again....a sequel to part I

well its all about taking it to the next level constantly...personally isnt that what life is all about anyways...but keeping it strictly to the topic under consideration.

If you ask me, am perfectly happy with the way I feel...however nothing wrong about aspiring to take to the next level.

The aim: 3 kilos in 31days with 7 inches off. (being specific about targets is whats makes one achieve it)
The blocks: Well past weeks been bad...a training program with loads of food and wine which I indulged in heartily..so will take time to get the body back in action. to top that works very hectic.
The motivator: a vacation in Bali..no harm in looking great right?

Now how is that going to happen - aah...tricky one

well just to remind myself of how to do it -
1) Eat right - chuck all the fats out...and i mean all - no diet mayo or amul lite..no carbs at night...lots veggies and soups...franks are ok...no protiens at night...no veg patties and paneer sandwiches from foodie at office
2) Yoga - i hope i remember - yeah nothing like it to pull your tummy in
3) Stretch exercises - thrice a weeks enough
4) Walking on weekends - now where in delhi will I do this? lets see..
5) Drink- maybe once in the next 31 days
6) Dance - lets see where can I accommodate it.
7) The spa - well this ones easy and lovely
8) discipline - well haven't cracked this one till date...but I guess sleep early so that I can get up early...and exercise and cook....so no blogging so late...will leave laptop at office...

I guess its also about the right balance of the mind and body...so maybe a bit of meditation. To add to this....the training program completely shook me....made me realise some behavioral patterns I wasn't aware about. A woman ( am chucking the girl terminology out of the window) whose motivator was always people..and being a catalyst to their lives...i learned has become a recluse in a shell. Now now all that needs to change. Thats the power of knowing...once you identify the problem, you know how to solve it.

Its crazy how incidents of the past have affected our unconscious minds and we do not realize the change. I also hear that if you behave in a certain way...your beliefs change. For example if you portray aggression for a long time...even if thats not your personal nature...your belief that aggression is the way to make things happen strengthens and you do it unconsciously...and you do become aggressive...and vice versa. The trick is to be aware of your behavior.

Now I am sounding like an obsessed maniac...but thats the way you need to be to achieve i think...cheers to love and life! Will keep you posted on the progress.

aargh...

Warning: Skip this post. DON’T READ to maintain your sanity or if you still wanna be friends with me

I remember the term when you laugh the world laughs with you…and when you cry you cry alone. Well its true folks so better accept it sooner than later.

My take on this is basically when you cry you may not really want anyone to see the vulnerable side, so you put on a demeanor which pushes people away. You can choose your emotion – lousy irritable behavior, anger, sulking, whining anything similar…everything which is a sure shot remedy to drive people away – well if the reason behind the behavior is to attract attention, well it’s just the opposite which happens so you might want to change the approach.

This is a bug on blogger and we are trying to fix it as soon as we can. Our team is working on it 24x7 and you know its fixed when you are able to read the post.

The next time we come across someone on the street or anywhere whose ways are just driving you insane – stop and think about your off days – maybe the poor souls just going through some real bad time in life. So breathe deep and let it go…don’t react.

I have also observed that when you are in a lousy state of mind..all you need at times is to cry your heart out in your moms lap or a kind word or hug from a friend or an acknowledgment like I love you baby in spite of your ridiculous behavior by your lover.

In the absence of all of the above I suggest you keep moaning…it anyways will not last. But be careful people are usually not so accommodating…so my way is basically go to the mattresses. You might still have your family, friends and lovers around you if you do.

Now that I have basically hit rock bottom and pissed off all whom i know, I think its time to go to the mattresses completely. Good night and if we meet tomorrow…good morning …good afternoon and good evening (yuk…the sense of humor also stinks right now!!!)

Of conditioning and being a woman - 1

A topic close to my heart. Being one who usually does not believe too much in divisions of society and to some extent rules created by mankind, I do acknowledge the presence of different value and belief systems and am usually willing to live and let live peacefully. However a news item triggered me to write on a topic I usually do not pick up because I think I may be a part of a minuscule minority who believe in it.

Lets face it..we are born with a clean slate...but we have all lived amidst society and have unconsciously picked up various conditionings which we do not even realize we have.

Though the trigger could be delhi govt's desire to ban women from choosing exciting careers like bartending...which I think is as non progressive in thought as a govt can get, but I have experienced more hard hitting or may be heart rendering examples of this in men and women we meet every day.

It could be an Business Head who casually says" Women are not as serious as men, is what I have observed in the team as men tend to stay back late at work" or an HR Head saying " Lets not hire this person, we should look at people who are married and settled with kids in life - they are usually more stable" It could also be a career woman saying - " what has this person done with her life? she is miserable taking care of kids at home and thats her entire life"

There are zillions of similar examples which lead me to believe that the freedom of choice and freedom to make decisions is often not taken by individuals and also not respected by people at large.

It is no wonder that given the conditioning carried by most and more prevalent and dangerous when carried by people in powerful positions which could even be a boss or a parent, lead people to often concede and make short cuts in life. When the fact is that the real growing up of an individual happens when faced with either failures or situations of pain.

I have often observed my own reaction to situations and have been amazed how my emotions or my actions have been governed by conditioning - eg - I usually say - "My spatial orientation is all wonky so driving may be a problem" when the truth is I remember when I bought my car and used to dream to learn how to drive it...i remember my vivid imagination of thinking that the car was just and extension of me and the way to maneuver it was dependent on the thought in my mind. I used to imagine being one with the car...which is what happened once i got used to driving...The fact is that for that last 3 years I have been driving 10 minutes a day on an average so as a result of such less practice, may not be as good at it as if I had stayed back in Mumbai and driven 3 hrs a day...but atleast 5 men and me including 3-4 women have concluded in various conversations that a woman can never drive as well as a man. Ridiculous if you ask me now.

I wonder how many more such conditionings' reside within me...The car one is mostly harmless...but others could be dangerous. I hope to take each one of them evaluate it and then dump it in the garbage can where it belongs if found half - baked.

there is light in the end

Its been a while I had almost forgotten
We live in this world in isolation
The heart is heavy..why i dont know
the head will be high, events come and go

Of my closest people and of me
I need to beware
Have oft found myself alone
when i most needed them there

Its not me to lament, so I smile it away
I look in the mirror and see the person there
A moment of true happiness as I look into my soul
the head will be high, events come and go

with a tear and a smile I bid you goodnight
a hope that tomorrow my heart will be light

different sides

A human body is so complex and yet so precisely created that it only leaves me in wonder. If i look at the human mind which governs our behavior, the explanation to all variables that affect it is just unimaginable. Its obviously our intelligence and emotions coupled with external influences which lead us to behave in a certain way at that moment.

I have observed the most intelligent person behave completely irrationally in a state of frenzy or for a better word when emotionally charged. I have also seen the fairest of human beings acting in the most disdainful and corrupt manner when helpless because of maybe inability to act or insecurity or just maybe to please society. I have also believed in the phrase that its in times of trouble when you really see where your soul has been feeding. I am not so sure about that now.

Is it possible to be fair always? Is it possible to be rational always? Is it possible to be understanding always? If you do i think one just pushes negative emotions under the carpet which are bound to explode at some time.

Its true that when you have an overdose of wisdom or good, you just become allergic to it. An example could be the art of living mails I receive about wisdom. I am just not able to read them now-a-days when at some point they gave me a lot of things to think about. I have seen myself being perceived an angel by one friend but being perceived as a devil by another because of maybe action or inaction. Some I take for granted, some I never do even after years of knowing them. For some I am around whenever and for some I may not be there even when needed. Some I am at ease talking about my most intricate secrets with and some will not know me even after years.

I am left baffled by the various shades of an individual. I increasingly believe now that one must look at themselves in total isolation without letting any external factor affect what they think about themselves. Mind it, this is not an easy task. Today at work I saw myself agreeing with two completely opposite views on an incident within an hour. Am I just being diplomatic or am I finally letting go of some beliefs which I may be holding onto stubbornly.

If I look at the people I have known for the longest in my life, its my parents and siblings. I have seen myself being the best daughter as well as being a prodigal one. To be true its never my intention to hurt. I have seen myself behave very sensitively to one sibling and very indifferent to another. Am baffled at myself many a times.

If I see a pattern underlying my behavior, I think its the love coupled with admiration or respect for ones intelligence or the bravery in actions which segregates one from the other. Love without respect or admiration which needs to be fed is hollow and will die soon i feel. There are friends who I am initially very fond of but later discover that I have no feelings for and mind you this is not done consciously. It just falls out. There are some friends who even after years i never tire or am totally charged up for.

I think the difference is in being honest. Its easy to fake but its not sustainable in the long run...who you thought as the perfect friend or daughter may not be so all the time, and thats being honest. I would any day prefer a friend who says what they mean even if they are being completely foolish then one who smiles and agrees with you all the time faking it or probably not realizing they are faking it.

Lately someone who is a good friend has been behaving completely irrationally and stubbornly. Its surprising how I still feel good about having the person as a friend for the honesty in behavior. I aspire to be a person who is completely honest as well to people I love and respect :) Amen

P.S. - Its necessary to fake it with people who you dont!!! Now I think this is completely opposite to the belief I always held onto about being honest always...does not work and may not be needed...esp in the corporate world. The transition from being in a small company to a big one is difficult but necessary.

Of scrabble and life

I recount some things which I loved and lost touch with. From sports practice to carom to scrabble to old english war movies.

The thing with not living in one place for too long is that many a times you find that you don't have friends around for long. Yes you tend to make new ones easily, but there goes the baddy you used to play every evening for hours or the 2 hr morning walks on holidays or the parties on weekends you got used to or the heated philosophical discussions between all of us who thought we are all new age guru's. Its a whole new adaptation to a different set of folks, people and friends.

A classic debate goes on in my mind...what is better? One hometown for long or lots of towns for a couple of years. Every place has a distinctive characteristic to it which influences your individuality. Often inadvertently.

Bhatinda cantt was all of riverdale, not more and definitely not less. It was about family and libraries, friends, grammys and oscars, summer camps, baddy, swimming and afternoon movie sessions.

Indore was about poha and banjo's and college for the first time and all that goes with it. Choral and I think this was when I was introduced to kishore and RD burman. I do think if I would not have met the set of friends i did in Indore, all the old Hindi music would have been been alien to me still.

Every new city has a different flavor. Pune then was quaint and family like. The bakeries of Koregoan were to die for, the burgers at Jaws were the best I have tasted, the parties, the cutting thela chai, the lovely weather...

Mumbai happened in two parts. One was about living as a kid and the other just work. The feel of independence and survival of the city was addictive. The vada pavs, the smell of the sea, bandstand, the ancient buildings in town, yokos, the US club view, navy nagar and the olympic size pool, the short weekend trips to nearby places, plays at prithvi. But Mumbai was about making a career, the clients and the BD calls, the team and the success was great.

Delhi..the roads and the greenery bang in the heart of the city, lodhi road and all the roads around India gate, its about parathas and biryanis I guess.

Its en richening to stay in many places for the exposure, yet you need to have a brave heart to do so I realize or be a foolish dreamer in your own dreamworld. Fiction at times is more real than real life and to survive on your own fiction seems to be mandatory. You often feel like a stranger in a strange land. You often do not have anything to do yet you dream of traveling near and far. It just gets harder finding people like yourself to do all the fun stuff with. You treasure it when you do.

Life seems to ask me questions now...and I seem nervously to give it answers. I cross my fingers till either of us decide to take a full circle again.

Hand through troubled waters

Troubled need not necessarily mean something going wrong...now that I can manage..but when nothing is going wrong and you still feel troubled...makes me wonder about the tricks our mind plays on us.

Well I can attribute this to having worked for 9 days straight without a break and still need to go on for 3 more days.(well if coming to office can be counted as work..for me it certainly does).

I wonder how people who do this survive...maybe their inspiration is elsewhere. For me all work and no play is a strict no no way of living. Play need not mean partying...but just sacking out is enough.

Last night I woke up in cold sweat at around 2.00am. I was sure there was a presence somewhere, normally a deep sleeper how could I have woken up otherwise? Maybe the events of the previous day were playing on my mind or maybe I was dreaming. The noise could have been the wind or it could have been a mouse or a monkey. I snuggled in my blanket and tried to sleep...which I did only to be woken up again. I gathered courage and switched on the lights. Once my mind was in control again...I realized there was nothing...Still a little shaken I went back to sleep.

I wonder now which was my woken state...the one in which I felt the presence or the one in which I realized there was none. The presence (if at all) need not have been unfriendly...just unknown. Which makes me think how comfortable I got when I switched on the lights, the fear of the unknown had vanished.

I miss the hand that had me reflecting and has left me. Was that mine?

The crazy cops

Well after reading a hilarious blog on Sony vs the blackberry curve, reality finally struck..I had lost my phone the Imate K-Jam a couple o days back.

No folks... my first reaction was of joy. Wow can i switch back to my regular no nonsense Nokia or Sony Erickson with no periphery mails where I can finally hear the how my friends sound again on the phone. For a few months now the only sentences they would've heard from me is - sorry...what was that...I cant hear you....click..My gosh these PDAs are a terror and have put its customers through such torture!

Well my happiness was shortlived as the realization dawned that the phone was actually my office's property so I had to lodge an FIR at the Noida police station at sector 20. Well if it was mine, I would have surely not done any thing about it especially in this part of the country which is known for the notorious cops. But nevertheless accompanied by a stud Admin guy I went to the Police Station to get an FIR lodged.

Scene 1: I enter with our stud man and the broken down house converted to a police station had 30 police men all who exuded tremendous arrogance. I went straight into some room and kept standing...you see the ambiance suggests don't speak unless spoken to. Our stud man was speaking loudly on the phone. A police chappie rudely ticks him off and asks him to leave the room. Kya samajhta hain apne ko, police chowki main phone..(basically how can anyone make them feel less imporatant) Me being a lady..the cop couldn't talk to me directly so asked another lady there - 'in memsahab ko kya chahiye?' Well I replied to him that someone snatched my phone and ran and that I need an FIR for the insurance claim. Well the bloke told me to write something about it being lost in a plain paper and give it to him.

Scene 2: Well folks if you've forgotten to write English with a pen and paper, try writing Hindi!!!! After an hour of trying hard to lodge an FIR, I retired on a chair where as the stud finally started doing what he was supposed to. I saw him with some cop who looked like a Hindi movie cop all ready to kill anyone outta arrogance. Huh...so I looked elsewhere..some guys were filming a vegetable vendor who was lying in torn clothes, crying loud as he was beaten up by cops as he failed to give them his daily hafta of Rs 500. Poor man..the sarcastic remarks of the cops and the local press didn't seem to sink in and he kept telling his story loud to anyone who would hear.

Scene 3: I walked out of the smelly dilapidated station and sat in my car where I heard this lady in blue telling a story about how her son was picked up by the police for hooliganism and locked up. 2 years earlier the police had locked up another son for murder and now she had no one to go to. The sons she says are badly beaten up in the lockup. These stories will not make it to any breaking news I am sure. I wonder why I only saw citizens there who were trying to register cases against cops!!!!

The sight here seeing the population of India that lives on daily wages and the police walas who thought they were the SVPs of the district..got me back to another reality..aah babes this is also India...ahem..

Finally the stud comes out looking extremely drained of all energy. The poor man dealing with these cops can stress anyone even a super hero I think...Well the final analysis:

1) You cannot lodge an FIR in Noida, no matter how big the crime reported is. Eg in the Nithari case where the police refused to lodge an FIR for missing children or a friend who recently lost a debit card and someone had purchased 2 ipods with it.
2) You can lodge an FIR if you have lost your slipper in the river if you are willing to shell out some money.